My Sobriety Journey
I have been 6 months sober from any drugs or alcohol. In January I decided I wasn’t going to drink for that month, but deep down I knew it was going to be a commitment I would make for myself for the foreseeable future. It was a thought in the back of my head for the past two years. A reoccurring voice kept telling me I should stop using substances and be sober. I started on my health journey and I knew how bad alcohol was for me, and I felt like an imposter still going out and getting blacked out drunk on the weekend, sometimes only one night, sometimes both nights.
Ever since freshman year of college, it’s been something I’ve had a hard time controlling. It’s hard for me to have only one drink. I’m the kind of person who goes all in. Go big or go home. I played college volleyball, and every season we would have a “dry season” aka no drinking. It was fine, but whenever we neared the end of the season, I never cared if we won or lost because if we lost, it meant I could start getting drunk. After we lost in nationals freshman year, I remember getting drunk a lot. Not just on the weekends, but during the week too. My world revolved around it. My freshman and sophomore year of college, I also considered myself a “stoner.” There was rarely a night that I wasn’t drunk or high. I would only take a break when I would come home for the summer and during volleyball season. Once COVID hit, I slowed down on both drinking and smoking a lot. I went through a bit of a spiritual awakening, so I wasn’t relying on substances as much but I still did get blacked out drunk when I did drink on the weekends.
2021 was also the year I started dating my ex. I worked grounds the summer of 2020 and worked with a lot of kids who were in the Step Up program at my school, which meant they were sober. One of my coworkers connected me with his friend who was in the program, and after a few months, me and his friend were dating. I didn’t care that he was sober, honestly I liked it. I didn’t have to worry about him going out to bars and talking to random girls, and it made him interesting. I’m not a plain Jane kinda girl, I like a guy who has a bit of an edge to him. I would still go out while I was dating him, he didn’t care. Looking back I just feel bad about the whole situation. I don’t regret it at all that I was still partying because I was still in college and had so much fun with my friends. I just feel like deep down it probably did bother him and it feels like I was being disrespectful. But it's all part of the journey and it’s brought me here.
Fast forward to the end of 2024 and I really wasn’t drinking that much. I would have a THC drink on the weekend, but everytime I did, I would ask myself if I even enjoyed being high. My heart was always racing, I ate way too much, and I just felt like a slug. December 31st 2024, my friends and I went to a rave and let's just say, we weren’t sober. When I drove home the next morning after getting a couple hours of restless sleep, I decided this was it. I was going to stay sober for the month of January. It was pretty easy, and easy to tell people I wasn’t drinking because you know “new years resolution” “dry january.” I think I ended up telling people I was done with all that stuff in March.
The not drinking part wasn’t hard. It was the not going out and seeing people on the weekends that was hard. I felt very alone in the beginning of the year, and still do sometimes. I started going to church in February, I was just begging for some form of community. I did meet a 70 year old woman who invited me to a group church study on Tuesday nights. I ended up going a couple times, most of the people around me were in their 60’s or older. I didn’t really know what was going on at all. I then tried out a different church and signed up for a class about the Bible. Went to that for a day, and met some nice people. I stopped going to that too. I’m trying to think of a way to wrap up this paragraph and leave you with a happy ending, but I’m not sure I can. I’m still sober, and still feel lonely sometimes. Life doesn’t change in a day, it’s a slow, gradual change. Day in, day out. I just have to go day by day, and one day I know I’ll look back and see all the pieces come together. I am so proud of myself though. My trip to Indonesia last fall taught me one of the most important lessons about myself, and it’s not what I thought I was going to take away from that trip. It taught me that I can trust myself. It taught me that if I say I’m going to do something, I can trust in myself that I’m going to follow through with it. By being able to trust myself, I’m able to respect myself, have standards, and love myself so much more.
Drinking gave me a way to connect to people, be more fun, make friends with strangers, flirt with boys. Now I’m in the process of relearning how to do all those things sober. I say relearning because I could do all those things so easily before I started relying on alcohol. It was a tool I would use to be the girl of my dreams. The fun girl. The girl that would make you laugh by doing something silly. The girl you would want to kiss. The girl who had all the confidence in the world that she can go up to anyone and start a conversation. That’s who I want to be. And that’s what alcohol gave me. That and a hangover. Fights with people I love. Friends having to take care of me because I’m passed out in the bathroom stall puking my guts out.
If you’ve been considering being sober, I recommend it. It might not sound fun after reading this blog, but I feel like it’s a door that unlocks so many amazing things. It’s only been six months for me, so I don’t have a ton of examples but based on the trajectory of my life right now, amazing things are on my horizon.
Positives I’ve seen in my life by being sober:
I haven’t been sick once. Not even a cold, sniffle, or tickle in the back of my throat. My immune system is at its strongest.
Never hungover. Literally so amazing. I used to waste my Sunday’s by just laying on the couch watching TV being hungover all day. Now, I get up at 6:30 am and have the whole day to do anything I want.
Whenever I hang out with someone, it feels more meaningful because we are sober and very present with each other.
I get to sleep in my own bed every night.
Spending time alone allows me to contemplate my life, and what I want out of it. It helps me figure out my goals and live a life full of meaning.
